Well, I've decided to move all of my old posts from Diaryland to this blog page. If you'd like to know what my brain was like when I was 22, here is a terrifying glimpse into the world of Fern: the Darker Years. Enjoy!
"Why Old People Suck"
2002-02-21 - 5:13 p.m.
Here I am, once again. I have a migraine and the weather is mocking me.
The strangest thought struck me recently. I was watching an elderly person, somewhere, at some time, and thinking the usual thing -- that is, "Gosh, that person used to be young, beautiful, vital. That person used to be fun-loving, used to laugh with friends, used to look forward to a future filled with amazing possibilities. And just look at that person now -- old, withered and alone." (My thoughts usually end on a rather depressing note, though I do not do this on purpose.) I felt a tugging of the heart strings for the women who used to be girls, giggling over their dresses, and for the men who used to be handsome and have lots of very impressive hair.
Some weeks later, I was watching yet another elderly person and something amazing occurred to me. It absolutely bowled me over, let me tell you. There I was, filled with sympathy and sadness for these small, delicate, lonely souls pining away for their lost youth. Then, quite suddenly, as I watched this little, hobbling, white-haired thing, this great revelation came upon me:
Most of these old people were probably huge assholes when they were young.
They probably weren't much better than the morons walking around the streets today. The guy holding up the bus and growling at the woman sitting next to him -- in his heyday, he was probably a real big bastard. He probably wasn't even good-looking. And that little old lady pursing her lips at my outfit -- she was probably a hideous, foul creature in her youth and is bitter now because no one ever asked her to the ice cream socials.
So, to all of you who are experiencing pangs of concern and warm, fuzzy feelings for these "elderly people" (read: "wizened old wretches"), stop looking at what might have been and bask in the knowledge that you're young, carefree, and have shapely legs unmarred by varicose veins and liver spots. Regard those old people with scorn and contempt for, if the present is any evidence, they were most likely all whores and jackasses anyway.
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"Accepting Magnificence"
ReplyDelete2002-02-21 - 5:38 p.m.
I would like to become famous, so that I may be interviewed for some well-known entertainment magazine. I hope that the interviewer would ask me, "So, why do you think that you appeal to so many people?" so that I could reply, "Well, I think it's because people naturally want to worship greatness when they see it -- that, and because of my giddy, girlish ways."
"WEDDING BELLS"
ReplyDelete2002-02-21 - 5:47 p.m.
I saw a great idea on TV the other night. On wedding invitations, there are always charming, moving little quotes to express what the couple feels about their forthcoming nuptuals. The quote on these invitations read, "We have buried the putrid corpse of Liberty." Nothing screams "WEDDING!" like Mussolini -- quite literally. He was a very loud man.
"THE CASE OF THE STOP SIGN" (old entry form my "Erlenmeyer Flask" blog"
ReplyDelete2001-10-22 - 1:32 p.m.
I was passing by a side street and noticed that there was a stop sign that was visible but kind of obscured by trees. I then thought, "I'd be pretty pissed if a car didn't stop at that stop sign." The thought made me so angry that I thought about waiting for a person to not stop at the stop sign and almost run me over, then take him to court. There, at court, I'd claim that the stop sign is visible and he'd say it wasn't (because it's a he, for some reason). I'd then grandly declare, "Your Honor, I suggest that we pick people randomly off the street and place them in that van. THEN we shall see who is right!" I would make very large, sweeping gestures with my hands and the judge would be so impressed by my dramatic delivery that he would agree. And then we'd pick those people but not tell them what the experiment was and drive by the stop sign and ask them what they saw off to the right. And they'd all say, "A house. Some trees. A stop sign." And then I would scream, "Aha!" And I would win the case.
It could happen. It usually does on "Matlock".
"NOT GOOD FOOD, BUT SEAFOOD" (older entry)
ReplyDelete2001-10-18 - 6:30 p.m.
I am off to have dinner at my (now) former workplace.
I don't particularly enjoy the food, but it is food, and it is half-priced, and what kind of fool says no to that?
I sometimes sing jazz to the lobsters and crabs at work. I think they enjoy it, but it troubles me that the crabs wink. I want those crustaceous perverts to leave me alone. Singing to iguanas is so much more romantic.
"ERLENMEYER FLASK" (older entry)
ReplyDelete2001-10-18 - 2:49 p.m.
I don't think I'm strange in a whimsical way. Sometimes. But I think, more than anything, I'm strange in a way that people fear. I think it's because when they are near me, their instincts tell them that I am not going to aid in the propagation of the species.
"EAT AND CHUCKLE HEARTILY"
ReplyDelete2002-02-21 - 6:29 p.m.
I just baked some cheese biscuits with a mixture of white and whole wheat flours and they turned out mighty nice. I highly recommend them. But only if they're baked by me.
I just thought I would leave you with some quotes:
"It's not natural for animals to mate for life -- well, ducks do, but who cares what ducks do?"
-- Luke, "Gilmore Girls"
"North Korea: If you lived here, you'd be evil by now." -- sign on "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" in response to George W. Bush's comments after visiting the country
"Yes, pheasant, ducks, and quail. The feathered axis of evil." -- "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart", responding to Dick Chaney's bird-hunting remarks on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno"